Hi folks,

Over the next couple of days I will have a new post up with my reflections on Pride – I’ve been a bit swamped over the last few days.  Briefly, I will say it was a blast and the weather was great.

Oh yes…Boston folks…let’s be gracious winners this time around, eh?  You do get a pass on the cheering and fireworks at 1:15AM, even if I couldn’t get back to sleep!

Hi folks!

It’s mid-June, and here in Boston that means it’s Pride weekend!  (Public Service Announcement:  The MBTA is doing track work on the Red Line this weekend – please visit the MBTA website for details and plan accordingly!)  So as my friends are getting ready to march, volunteer, work or party (or a combination of these) – I’ve got some words of wisdom to share that apply to pretty much any Pride festival.  This is in Skippy’s list fashion – like Skippy’s list this is a collection of tips that have derived from either my own personal experience or that of someone close to me.  So without further ado, here’s the Queer and Christian Skippy’s Pride List!

1.  QnC Skippy will stay hydrated.  Heatstroke is not fun.

2.  QnC Skippy will make sure to eat during the day.  There is no excuse for not having *something* to eat in her backpack!

3.  QnC Skippy will not engage protesters in verbal combat.

4.  Even if QnC Skippy has a broader knowledge of the Bible.

5.  Especially if QnC Skippy has a broader knowledge of the Bible.

6.  If QnC Skippy is marching, *this* year she WILL look at a map before leaving the house.  Running up and down the length of Tremont Street trying to find a particular staging area is Not Fun At All.

7.  QnC Skippy will not berate the club float dancers about how they are making the LGBTIQQA community “look bad”.

8.  QnC Skippy will not deliver a long speech about how only bars and alcohol companies are sponsoring Pride.  That has been changing and she knows it.

9.  If QnC Skippy is upset about the behavior of a festival performer, she will not heckle the performer and will go home to write a letter to the Pride Committee and the local LGBTIQQA newspaper.

10.  If QnC Skippy is not happy with an aspect of the Pride festivities, she will learn to keep her big trap shut lest she get roped into volunteering for something.

11.  QnC Skippy will wear comfortable shoes, sensible clothing and sunscreen.

12.  QnC Skippy will stay hydrated. Furthermore, she will remember that diet Pepsi and any form of alcohol are not as good as water for staying hydrated.

13.  QnC Skippy will make sure her friends don’t hit on the police officers on the parade detail.

14.  QnC Skippy will not make comments about how she would hit on the police officers if she was single.

15.  QnC Skippy will not bring home 50 lbs of swag.

16.  QnC Skippy will think before putting her name on a mailing list – while the causes are worthy, she can’t keep up with that much email.

17.  QnC Skippy will make sure she tells folks about this blog.

18.  QnC Skippy will not start any story she tells to any LGBTIQQA youth group member with the words “When I was your age we didn’t have…”

19.  QnC Skippy will plan restroom trips according to the length of the line at the Port-a-Potties or for how long it will take to reach the nearest indoor public restroom.

20.  If she sees a conflict, QnC Skippy will remind folks that not all Christians are of the same mindset as the protesters and that being nasty to a protester will not do anyone any good.

Here’s the thing – I don’t think anyone would tell you that being queer is what they’re all about.  LGBTIQQ folks are the same as straight folks – we have bills to pay and bosses to please and have the same basic needs and wants.  Around this time of year, I am asked why LGBTIQQ folks need to have a Pride festival…”There’s no such thing as Straight Pride!”  That’s true…but a person can’t be fired for being straight…folks don’t get beat up or killed for being straight…kids don’t get kicked out of their homes for being straight and straight folks aren’t ridiculed or ignored by the health care system solely for being straight.  Pride is a remembrance of the Stonewall riots and the work done by the Mattachine Society and the Daughters of Bilitis and other organizations and individuals in the last century and into this one.  Pride is a celebration of the civil rights that the cLGBTIQQ community has fought for and a reminder of how far we still have left to go.

My niece Audrey Marie was born on Wednesday night, to my brother and his girlfriend. She’s 18 1/2 inches long, 6lbs 5oz and surprised her parents by arriving a month before her due date. Mother and baby are doing fine.

Also, thank you for the prayers in regards to my work situation. Something is happening but I’m not sure where it will lead. I’ve offered the situation up to Him, so we’ll see what happens.

…so I don’t envy Barack Obama right now. I’ve just finished listing to the press conference where Sen. Obama discussed his decision to leave Trinity UCC.

Leaving a church (whether that means leaving one particular parish or leaving an entire denomination) is a really difficult decision to come to, and joining a new church is just as daunting. Because I’ve been there, done that and wore the T-shirt I got while repainting my old apartment last summer – I have some words for the Obama family as they face this journey (and I fully realize they’ll probably never see this blog, but I do what I can), as well as anyone else who is facing a transition to or from a church. (N.B.: For anyone reading this who does not identify as Christian, replace “church” and “pastor” with the terms for your house of worship and worship leader. Most of what I’m going to discuss is fairly universal in regards to faith communities.)

1. A church does not live by its leader alone. We go to church for a whole host of reasons, and one of them is to be challenged and inspired. The sermon is a personal statement, and a personal interpretation – whether it be an interpretation of the day’s Gospel or a time when the person delivering the sermon needs to toss out the rulebook and speak on a current event (like 9/11, rulings on gay marriage or Hurricane Katrina). Sometimes these statements inspire us, and sometimes they tick us off. Hopefully, if we get ticked off we take the energy and divert it positive actions.

2. Just because you don’t worship with the church members you left behind does not mean they are gone from your life forever. If you had friends from the church you left that you still want to communicate with – you should do it! Your leaving had nothing to do with them. But have patience with them – they may not fully understand your reasons for leaving and it may take quite some time before they “get it” on a general level. Just like with any other situation, a true friend may not always fully understand everything you do – but good friends support each other, even when they disagree on some things.

3. God knows if you are doing what you truly believe is best, so trust Him and keep talking to Him. People have all kinds of reasons for leaving a church, and that’s OK. Leaving a church does NOT mean you are leaving God. You can’t truly leave God – He will find you where you are. He might not respond in words you understand – but He is there for you in the most unexpected ways. Your faith is not bound by the building you worship in.

4. It hurts. Yes, yes it does. And it will for a while. A church is a family. Since we’re all God’s children, leaving a church that you have been actively engaged in really does feel like you’re leaving a family. Be gentle with yourself and your loved ones at this time. You’re going to mourn. It’s a painful process, regardless of the circumstances surrounding your departure. Recognize and acknowledge the pain – but know that He will not loose you from His grip!

5. Take some time before making any decisions regarding becoming a member of a new church. Trust me on this, you want to make sure your new church is a good fit in regards to your beliefs, principles and any services you might need to utilize. Last year, when I was searching for a new church home, I knew some of the things I wanted – an active Sunday school program, a diverse congregation and handicapped accessibility. Those are things that are easy to pick up on after a few visits. But since starting to attend services at the church I now call home I’ve done some other seeking. I’ve grilled the Priest-in-Charge about lots of issues – including the parish’s involvement (or non-involvement) in some of the movements within the Episcopal Church, I’ve spoken to other parishioners about their experiences within the church and I’ve sat through enough sermons to see that the clergy does not talk down to the congregation – nor do they assume everyone has an advanced degree and the vocabulary that comes with it. (I live in Cambridge, MA – a lot of clergyfolk forget not everyone in this city is a college student or professor!) Consider what is important to you and what your needs are – spiritually, mentally and physically. The best church in the world is not going to be effective for you if you don’t go because the round trip from home takes 4 times as long as the service.

Of note: If you want to support the church without becoming a pledged member right away – I can guarantee that no church will turn down cash you put in the offering plate.

6. Recognize that a new church may very well represent a compromise between you and your immediate family. Not everything will be perfect. Focus on the big stuff. If the hymns used in the new church are too old and tired for your taste, you can always play a WOW Worship CD when you get home. If you don’t like the coffee used at coffee hour – take a tip from the kiddies and have some juice instead. You can always go to Starbucks (or Dunkin’ Donuts or Tim Horton’s…) after church.

…and just in case Sen. Obama is reading this – you did what you had to do. The press will do what they’re good at – dissecting you, Sen. Clinton and Sen. McCain. I’m hoping that after the election you and your family find a church home that works for all of you.

Oh, and press folks? Leave the parishioners at Trinity UCC alone. What you (the collective you) have been doing to invade their privacy and turning their worship experience into a three-ring circus is just plain wrong. This is not their fault – only Rev. Wright and Fr. Pflegler are responsible for their respective words and the lay folks in the congregation do not need to be under a microscope. Sen. Obama and his family have left the church…so just move on.

Dear friends,

I need to ask you to hold me in prayer* on Wednesday. (Don’t worry – the family is healthy and doing fine!) I have been feeling some conflict in my day job and I have been trying to figure out the best way to handle it while still taking care of my family and trying to follow God’s will. Thankfully, I have had productive conversations with friends (thanks JA, ES and DB!) and one of the priests at church. I have a meeting with one of the head administrative folks at work on Wednesday – at this meeting I hope that we will find ways for me to refocus and possibly have my responsibilities adjusted. I have handed this matter over to the Lord, so anything is possible at this point.

*if you aren’t the praying kind, please keep me in your thoughts.

Yesterday my daughter did one of those things no church-going parent wants to see – she decided to use the altar rail like playground equipment. I was not in a position to go over and grab her (I was singing in the choir at the time) so I glared at the altar and mouthed “stop it” over and over. I have to give a shout out to our seminarian who took notice and leaned over to tell her to stop! Now, if I had done that as a kid (our church didn’t have an altar rail) I would have not been able to sit down that afternoon (much like the times my brothers would flick holy water at each other). But since I’m not a big fan of physical punishment – and I wasn’t really sure how to handle it – I told my wife to get her after the kids were released from Sunday school and to tell her that I would be addressing this once I’d removed my vestments.

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t really sure *what* I should have said. What I did wind up doing was taking her back into the sanctuary and told her that in God’s house there are lots of rooms (John 14:2) and there is room for all of us – just like in a church. And in church – just like in our homes, there are places to cook and eat, places to play and learn and one big room where everyone gets together to thank God in a very formal way by taking part in the Eucharist. So, when she (and we) receive the Body and Blood of Christ it is our way of saying thank you to God and that we are happy to be with Him. That means that we don’t climb or hang on the furniture – we don’t do anything in God’s house that we wouldn’t do at Grandma’s house (even if another kid is doing it).

All afternoon I kept asking myself where she got the idea that this was acceptable behavior – her first words to me were “but Mommy, I didn’t know, I thought it was OK!” I kept thinking that I didn’t raise her to act like that. But then it hit me – what I hadn’t done is tell her why she needed to behave in church. All her life, she’s either been in the nursery (as a baby) or in the church for only short periods of time (at our church we have the welcome and the children’s message, then the kids go downstairs to Sunday school, only surfacing for Communion – her father’s church does things in a similar fashion). That is a total paradigm shift from my own childhood. In the Catholic church, you’re raised from birth to sit through the entire service. Your parents are with you the entire time, so there is not really a lot of room for experimentation. Toys, coloring books and Cheez-its were not part of my childhood worship experience.

Just goes to show that not everything is intuitive – some behaviors must be learned.

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, the California Supreme Court overturned the state’s same-sex marriage ban. I think that on this evening of joyous celebration (for many) and grave consternation (for many others) – a few things bear repeating.

To those who are upset by this ruling, I would like to address you first: Marriage is important, both from a religious standpoint and a legal standpoint. And that, largely, is the problem. The rights and responsibilities that my wife and I enjoy as a legally married couple should in no way be dictated by (or have any influence on) the religious beliefs of another. Every time I hear or read about someone stating that same-sex couples should be denied legal marriage rights purely because of some religious denomination’s interpretation of the Bible (or the scared text of choice), it reminds me that there is no true separation of church and state in this country. Lots of folks feel that the government has no business getting involved in a religious ceremony. You know what? They’re right. However…if John Doe and Suzy Smith walked into the courthouse tomorrow and get married by a judge, they would not be “married in the church” (because they did not take part in a religious ceremony) – but they are still married. I do not see one single solitary person decrying their right to do so. I do not hear one religious or political figure standing up and saying “Wait – they can’t do that!” I do not see anyone saying that Mr. Doe and Ms. Smith should not enjoy the same rights and responsibilities as couples who were married in a church ceremony. Yet this is exactly what is being said to same-sex couples all over this country. This is precisely why unless ALL legal unions between two people (be it a man and a woman, two women or two men) are designated the exact same way and with the exact same terminology in the eyes of the law that anything less than full legal recognition of same-sex marriage is unequal and unethical.

To the same-sex couples of CA: I’m sure that if you and your partner aren’t already actively planning a wedding right now, you probably know at least a couple that are! But I want to take a second to remind you that marriage is a sacred institution, regardless of your religious beliefs. When you get married, you are making the most important promises you will ever make. The marriage certificate changes things, it really does. It is the hard proof that you and your partner have pledged to love, be faithful to and take care of each other for life. Regardless of the person who is performing your marriage ceremony – the promises you and your partner are making to each other are a sacred bond between the two of you (yes, even if you don’t believe in God or some sort of higher power). For those of you who have been together for a long time and weathered life’s storms together – have at it. But if you and your partner have only been together for a relatively short time…please…don’t set yourself up for heartbreak down the road. Take some time to think about what you are doing. I realize that you may be playing beat-the-clock with a legal battle…but please make sure your decision is based on the depth of your commitment to each other.

And finally, regardless of where you stand on same-sex marriage…please be gentle when dealing with a person who does not share your viewpoint.  This is an issue that touches all of us in some very primal places – but it is only through civil discourse that we all can come to understanding.

My mother comes from a large family. (Seriously, if they all played instruments they could form their own symphony orchestra.) Growing up, I never really remembered hearing a lot of discussion about political parties and candidates. There was a lot of discussion about certain issues that carry weight in the political arena, like abortion and others that had a very direct impact on their lives. But, unions and public funding play a huge role in many of their workplaces (there are a lot of state employees and teachers in the family) so I can’t make too many assumptions. Also, in my adult years, I have grown very far apart from my mother’s family.

When my wife and I started planning our wedding in earnest, I really had to wrestle with how to break the news to my mother’s family. Because my mother had me keep a tight lip about the relationship, I wasn’t even sure how many of them knew I’m queer. I knew that I wasn’t sure I wanted my mother – who was very much against the marriage for a whole host of reasons – being the one to disseminate the news. I also didn’t want to get a lot of flak about not throwing a huge party. (Our wedding ceremony was very small, a morning ceremony held at one of our favorite local restaurants. Our immediate families were there, a very close friend of mine was the celebrant and two other close friends were in attendance.) At a complete loss, I emailed my older cousin J. He’s about 10 years older than I am, and he is the cousin I always thought to be the “cool” one. I explained to him the situation and hoped he’s respond quickly.

I didn’t have long to wait – the reply came within a few hours. He told me that he would love me no matter what – and that because of his education and experience in film, drama and television he’d been exposed to a lot of different folks – he’s a former liberal turned Republican. He also reiterated his devotion to the Catholic church.

And this, friends, is where my brain broke. See, everyone has their own prejudices and the Republican party is one of mine. But once I read his letter for the millionth time – and took a better look at the subsequent email chain – I realized that my coming out to him was not going to turn him into a fire-breathing dragon. Not only that, but there are some things we agree on. We both feel that the legal recognition of relationships (same-sex or not) should not be governed by any religious group – and that the government should not be getting involved in church business. ALL couples should have civil unions or get legally married at the courthouse or City Hall and need to have a separate religious ceremony if they want their relationship to be recognized by the church (it can be done that way – it’s the same as a straight couple going to City Hall to get married then having a marriage ceremony in a church later). It’s widely recognized that civil unions as they are set up right now, are second-class treatment. Even if you live in Massachusetts and you are legally married, the federal government does not recognize your marriage! This one ticks me off – I live in Massachusetts and my wife and I are legally married, but because the federal government does not recognize my marriage we still have to file single, and our family insurance plans get taxed on the difference between “single” and “family” plan costs. I shudder to think of what would happen if we were traveling together in another state and one of us was seriously hurt. So until same-sex couples get THE SAME EXACT TREATMENT that straight couples get under the eyes of the U.S. law, the government and all government agencies, I will fight to the end for same-sex marriage rights.

And there are cases where our opinions differ slightly but still wind up on the same side: A couple of weeks I got a letter from my cousin, addressed to HBO in regards to the latest installment of Bill Maher’s hurtful, uninformed and bigoted treatment of the Pope and Catholicism in general. I do not agree with the way the sexual abuse cases were handled (especially within the Boston archdiocese). I do not agree with all of the teachings and political stances of the Catholic church. I believe that the Pope, while he is a very important and influential religious leader, is a human being and therefore fallible. However, like most religions it is not the institution itself that makes up the Church – it is the devotion and faithfulness of its members. This is why it pains me greatly to see these types of smear campaigns, and I stand in solidarity with J in his outrage.

I like to think that J and I have each had the opportunity to do a bit of growing in the last year and a half. Or maybe he was there all along – and I was the one who needed to do the growing.

At my job, I am the sole non-scientist in a group of scientific researchers. These are very smart, kind and generous folks. Half of our group hails from outside the U.S. – so quite a few of the world’s major religious denominations are represented. Discussions about religious traditions happen quite frequently, and they tend to go well – usually the subject comes up in response to a news article or around major religious holidays or festivals. But, as is usually the case, some concepts are a little easier to grasp right off the bat than others.

A couple of months ago, I was in the car with a colleague, headed to an off-campus meeting. The radio happened to be tuned to NPR. During a lull in our conversation, the words “personal relationship with God” drifted out of the dashboard speakers. As we listened, it becamse clear that the person being interviewed didn’t believe that anyone could have a personal relationship with God, and that the whole idea was “arrogant”. The person I was driving with shook his head and mumbled “How can one person have a relationship with God?” (I chose to let it pass, it was fairly easy to tell in person that the question was being asked rhetorically and this is not someone who would have welcomed any kind of evangelization.) Then, his phone rang and the radio was turned off out of necessity.

That is an interesting point – how do you explain the idea of having a personal relationship with God? Here’s my take on the matter: God is present in each and every one of us. That means, in essence, that God experiences our lives as we do and not just from on high. God has a very intimate knowledge of our thoughts, feelings, wants and desires. So this means that God really does get what I go through personally, because He sees it as it happens. But God also knows what we as humans go through on a different level – because He loved us enough to send Jesus to earth to live and die as one of us. Jesus felt pain, hunger, thirst and anger. He knew happiness and what it felt like to touch and be touched. He was here on earth and human and present. He knew what it was like to be scorned. He knew what it was like to be tortured and killed but went to His death preaching and teaching. He knew temptation. And He knew love. He loved us so much that He resisted the temptation to save Himself – He saved US instead.

It is amazing to know that Jesus faced similar struggles to the ones we face today. He, too, was scorned and reviled and even hated for telling the truth about who He was. Knowing the sacrifice Jesus made by revealing the truth of God’s love, mercy and majesty gives me the courage and hope I need to live my own life authentically and to keep faith.

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